A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”
Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man: “Wow – so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”
Jim: “No way man, are you okay?”
Bob: “Yeah, luckily I was just on the first step.”
Two years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a date, today I asked her to marry me.
She said no, on both occasions.
Insurance clerk: “Where were you born, Sir?”
Man: “In the United States.”
Insurance clerk: “OK, and which part?”
Man: “My entire body.”
My wife is a bit weird. She always starts her talking with “Michael, are you listening to me?”
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.
“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”
–
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”
My SMS autocorrect just changed “I’m so concerned with existential anxieties it is difficult to breathe” to “I feel great”
“Your waffle iron isn’t working, dear!”
–
“Please just stay away from my laptop grandma!!!”
The police stops a computer hardware engineer: “Your light isn’t working. You have to get off your bike.”
IT guy: “I tried that but the light still isn’t working.”
Bus driver to passenger: Don’t you want to sit down?
Passenger: No, I am in a hurry.
Joke of the day 